MOOSE TRACKS

Most people - at least, those who are not Outdoorsy Types - associate the term “Moose Tracks” with ice cream. The typical version consists of vanilla ice cream with some sort of chocolate fudge and peanuts; in one locally popular variant, peanut butter cups are used to supply the peanut content.

But I don’t eat Moose Tracks ice cream... and I’ve never been on a moose hunt. When I use the term “Moose Tracks,” be sure that it is for a far more earthy purpose.

[The remainder of this post is not for readers with Delicate Sensibilities. You have been warned... but, then again, if you read this site on a regular basis, you most likely do not suffer from that condition.]

Yesterday, She Who Must Be Obeyed commented that there were, ahhhh... telltale marks in one of the upstairs toilet bowls. [Actually, the term she used was “shit stains” - far be it from the Missus to beat around the bush.] Her tone was mildly accusatory, although she had not come right out and charged me with the Cocky-Crime.

She might as well have. It’s only the two of us living here, after all.

And I’ll confess... once in a while, I’ll leave a bit of evidence. The deadly combination of low-flow toilet facilities and the occasional Tar Baby sometimes will Jackson Pollock the old porcelain throne’s inner surfaces... and if there’s no toilet brush handy...

...well, suffice it to say that I was Guilty As (kinda sorta) Charged.

I immediately thought of a Snappy Retort, but thought better of actually saying it aloud: “Shit stain in the toilet? That’s nothing to get worked up about. What about the ones in the sink?”

(There are some matters the Missus does not joke about... and the last thing I want to do is put ideas in her head.)

And then it occurred to me: We need a euphemism for shit stains - the kind that you might find in a freshly used commode. “Skid mark” is fine, but that connotes something you might find in a pair of Tighty-Whities. No, some other expression is called for...

Moose Tracks!

Let’s use it in a sentence, shall we?

“Honey, are those your Moose Tracks in Elder Daughter’s bathroom? Why the hell don’t you grab a brush and clean ’em out, fercryinoutloud?”

(As for Moose Tracks ice cream, I’m even less inclined to eat it now...)